Penis Hero

Letter in Support of a Soda Tax

2011-03-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Dear members of Congress,

According to a summary of the Annual Reports of the Social Security and Medicare Boards of Trustees, "...the aging population will result in SMI (Supplementary Medical Insurance) costs growing rapidly from 1.9 percent of GDP in to 2009 to 3.5 percent of GDP in 2040; about three-quarters of these costs will be financed from general revenues".

SMI, just one little piece of Medicare, 75% funded by our tax dollars, will hit 3.5% of our Nation's gross domestic product in less than 30 years, and that's just based on an aging population! Has anyone done the math on what happens when a population gets not only old, but fat too? Americans are living longer and getting fatter, and at the rate we're going 30 years out we might look back at that 3.5% of GDP as wishful thinking.

You won't teach Americans to eat right by taxing soda, but you can help offset some of the rising medical costs the American people are expected to foot the bill for, many of which are associated with poor diet. Our nation is in debt up to our eyeballs, and I for one am sick of my tax dollars going to support public medical costs associated with poor choices. Selective taxation like this is easy enough to avoid for those who choose to. If we can tax my beer, and the next guy's smokes, we should be able to tax that 2 liter bottle of sugar water...

I also don't think we should class Coke and Pepsi as food with regards to Food Stamps, or what we feed prison inmates, etc. Between 2007 and 2009 Oregon spent nearly $775,000 on pop to serve to prisoners at meal time! Why the hell was Oregon subsidizing the beverage industry buying Mountain Dew for convicts?!?! Maybe we should buy them all X-Boxes as well. Is this going on in your state, what about at the federal level? Okay, off on a tangent there. This is about a soda tax.

I'm not a fan of taxes, but if our General Fund is expected to pay for rising medical costs associated with America getting fat, taxing products that contribute to those costs makes more sense to me than further taxing my paycheck, or cutting funding for schools.

Sexy Halloween Costumes

2010-09-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Some years back I posed the question "What is the Sexiest Halloween Costume?". It was a popular post, and received a number of comments, but unfortunately, I just don't have the energy to bring it back this year.

Rather than make this a long, painful post with a million hot chicks in sexy costumes, I thought I'd just post a couple suggestions.

Ladies, this year I would like for you all to dress up as Chinese takeaway.

Yes, you'll all be wearing the same thing, but you must admit, it's a pretty clever costume, and it'd be a very memorable Halloween if all the ladies wore the exact same costume. You should call each other and work it out...

There can be one exception though. If you can pull off a hot cosplay run at one of the chicks from Final Fantasy, go for it, but only if you can pull it off!

Men, you can stay home for all I care. Unless you choose to be this guy, a truly appaling Halloween costume. Actually, imagine how awesome it'd be if Chinese takeaway and that guy were the only two costumes we saw this Halloween. Do it!

Okay, that's all for now. Have fun, stay safe and get plenty wild.

Cheers!

HR 2267 - Hells Yes!

2010-08-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

In 2006 I posted a bit of a rant after our idiotic folks in DC passed a ban on Internet gambling. One diamond on a (capitol) hill of turds stood up and cried bullshit! Okay, his words were a bit more tame:

This Congress is well on the way to getting it absolutely backwards. In areas where we need to act together to protect the quality of our life, in the environment, in transportation, in public safety, we abstain; but in those areas where individuals ought to be allowed to make their own choices, we intervene. And that is what this is.

That was Barney Frank (D-MA), Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, the same man who is now pushing HR 2267, the effort to repeal that earlier idiocy and legalize Internet gambling. Come November, he's a keeper.

HR 2267 has passed committee, so please encourage your reps to support it when it reaches the floor for a vote. Do it. I miss my freerolls...

You Too Can Be a Hero

2010-07-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ha ha ha! Somebody gets it, the life of a hero can be exhausting...

Not all of us can be Goddess kissed (scantilly clad with huge knockers of course), some get spider bitten, struck by lightning, dipped in radioactive goo, etc, but nice to see a solution for the common man.

Embrace your inner hero/porn star and give it a shot. It's got some of the same stuff as Viagra, so should be interesting. Ladies love a good mustache...

If you do try the Mojo, post your comments.

Mitt Romney - No Apology

2010-03-04T14:00:00.001-08:00

Fine, but you're still full of shit...

I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR yesterday, and was interested to hear an interview with Mitt Romney. I wasn't familiar with him, or his politics, and wanted to see how he sat with my conservative side.

He was well spoken, and smooth in the way only politicians and greasy turds can be, but I found myself getting angrier and angrier with everything he said. He started the snowball rolling by stating that we have public healthcare here in America, that if you don't have insurance you can simply check in at the local emergency room and you'll be taken care of, no problem.

Let me back up for a second. I'm a fan of a public healthcare option, and am pissed at both parties for dropping that ball, and instead giving us mandatory insurance through the same bastard companies that have been ripping us off forever. I've been self-employed for a long time, and private healthcare for the self-employed is crazy-ass expensive, and a huge pain in the ass.

Okay, so here's an issue near and dear to my heart/wallett and Mitt has just stated that we already have a great public healthcare system. What planet is he from?!

First off, unless you're about to bleed out, the emergency room will not admit you without insurance. Cancer, diabetes, urinary tract infection, spastic colon, arthritis, high cholesterol, etc, etc won't get you in the door. If you're unlucky enough to need the ER and they admit you without insurance, you can expect a whopping WHOPPING medical bill, much higher than the insurance companies pay for the same treatment, and you have to pay that bill, just like any other or face collections and ruined credit.

How Mitt, how is that the same thing as a public health insurance option similar to Medicare, that I can buy into, pay premiums and get treatment like a normal person?

With your plan, I pop to the ER with some ailment or another and get turned away at the door because I'm not about to keel over. With a real public option, I pay premiums like anyone else and present my insurance card to a regular old doctor at a regular old doctor's office.

Your public option doesn't exist, and would be stupid if it did. Do we really want millions of unninsured Americans dropping into the ER for every ache and sniffle?

Congress, both parties, has so thoroughly screwed up healthcare reform that I'm shocked to hear Republicans talk about the upcoming elections as if they're sitting pretty. Okay Republicans, what have you done for me lately? Don't be so smug. As far as I'm concerned it's time to flush the House and Senate clean. You can all go home and think about what the hell you did to earn your pay while out in Washington...

The Internet - How Boring

2010-02-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Seriously, the Internet can be one bleak, boring landscape when you live there day in and day out. I've taken to watching my stocks rise and fall throughout the day. How exciting...

I bought GGWPQ.PK when it was still GGP at $.45 a share. Okay, I think I bought the day before they went into bankruptcy protection. I'm a stock market savant like that. Anyway, today it's flirting around the $13 dollar range with a rejected bid from Simon Properties making the news last week and a rival offer from Brookfield in the news today. I'm up 2,821.12% from when I bought. Pretty cool, but I'm still bored.

What else is going on? Oh yes, I'm upgrading my WW support village in Travian. Yes, we're building a World Wonder, yes we're likely to win the server, yes it's all very exciting, but it can also be a little like watching paint dry.

Hopefully my weight vest arrives today. I had some Amazon gift vouchers which I spent on an X-Acto knife and tool set, a mini trampoline and a 20lb weight vest. Yes, I do plan on doing some very active crafts projects... Unfortunataley I didn't have enough to also get Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii, not that it would've fit the above mentioned theme.

Is this why people get sucked into social networking? I should be working, should be making money, should be doing something, anything productive, but I'm likely going to do little more in the next hour than make myself a picante beef ramen (they're the only tasty ramen).

The Internet is a boring place. Don't believe me? What are you doing that's so all fired exciting? You're reading this dumb blog, that's what, you schmuck/schmuckette...

Mature Themed Wii Games - Developers Take Note

2010-02-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

Today, while nosing around to see what was out there for my Wii system I stumbled upon an article over at G4tv called "Is There A Future For Mature Games on the Wii?" posted back in October of '09.

It was a pretty interesting article discussing why adult titles for the Wii have not done at all well, despite the huge reach of the console. Most of the comments followed the same train of thought:

The majority of Wii owners are kids, so i would have to say no.

The gamers who enjoy "Mature" games, are more likely to own the systems that cater towards them (360 & PS3), and use the Wii for the Nintendo titles that they may have grown up with (Mario, Zelda, Metroid, etc.).

The other systems are affordable now, and the Wii pumps out nothing but fitness and pet handling games. No real gamer is going to go pick up a Wii, no one I know that owns one plays it more than an hour a week. They need to go back to their roots and try again.

After a lengthy discourse on all the "Mature" titles that failed on the Wii, mostly sophomoric blood and guts shooters, the article finally nailed it:

But what if Wii owners are really just adults who wanted to be treated as such? Interactive experiences aimed at adults aren't required to incorporate dismembering limbs and tossing grenades. They can (and it's certainly a facet of games that isn't going away), but perhaps the adult experiences offered up so far by video game publishers for Wii has toed the party line and, as a result, been passed by with a cynical eye.

Toed the party line, exactly. The industry is using an outdated definition of "mature" that isn't a great fit for Wii gamers.

Take me for example: I'm a 38 year old man, married with two kids, own my home, business owner, money in my IRA, etc. I'm a grown up. Back in the day, when my "hardcore gamer" friends were learning the perfect combination of button mashing to achieve a fatality in Mortal Kombat, I was hanging out with my girlfriend. Whenever I did hang out and play games, I'd go home with a sore thumb.

I guess I'm not a "real gamer", but clue into this gaming industry, my first console was an Atari 2600, and I've owned many others since and bought a pile of games. I have money to spend and will buy games I think I'll enjoy, but none of the titles mentioned in the article sounded the least bit appealing. Why should I be titillated by bad language and buckets of blood splashing across the screen? I'm not 17...

I haven't had the Wii long, but so far, Outdoor Challenge is my favorite title. It's fun, the games are challenging and I love the fact that I'm exhausted and dripping in sweat after an hour of gameplay! And my thumb doesn't hurt in the least... Would Outdoor Challenge work without the physical activity? No. It'd be a so so game at best, but combine a so so game with a serious workout and it's a winner.

Does this mean the Wii can only support sports games, leaving it utterly one dimensional? No, but know your audience. Personally, I want to get up and sweat and be involved in the game, same with my wife, same with my mother who also went out and bought a Wii.

Okay, I need to get back on point. This post is about mature games for the Wii after all, but maybe sports would be the right place for the industry to start as the Wii eases into more mature gameplay. I'm happy to go for a run or a bike ride in a game and break a sweat, but rather than dogs and plastic looking Mii characters, I have to wonder; where are all the hot roller blader and jogger chicks? They're one of the attractions of real world running, so why not put them in the game? I might run a little faster or a little longer if I was sharing the trail/beach/path with young, fit coeds...

Whatever the genre, the controls are important. I want to walk, run, climb, kick, scratch, crawl my way through the game. I absolutely do not want to sit on the couch and mash buttons. The controls aren't just a gimmick, they're part of the immersive quality of play. Embrace them.

One of the most interesting sounding mature titles headed for the Wii is called Sadness by Nibris. I don't know much about it, but it sounds like much more intelligent horror than has been tried so far. I like the idea of walking through my environment, getting the crap scared out of me and fighting back with whatever I can pick up, not for more cheeseball blood and guts, but hopefully for real fear coming from being utterly immersed in the game experience.

Give me sex, give me violence, give me action and give me terror, but give them to me with some sophistication and package them into a good game where I can get up off the couch and I'm sold. I'm not breaking out my wallet for more of the same old same old.

Mafia RPG

2009-02-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been dicking around playing MafiaPayDay. It's a basic multi-player mafia roleplaying game that's not half bad. It's not terribly exciting on the surface, but once you start to understand the guts of the game it can be pretty addictive.

The ghist of it is this: you're a mobster. You start out as a low-level mob soldier, but do your jobs, build respect and hold your points and you can rise up the ranks. It's a solo game, with MMO aspirations, but the reality on both fronts is that your family is what ends up mattering most.

There's a lot of family play built in, but not so much that you can't fly solo if you want to. I doubt it's as much fun without the family element, but the option is there.

It's also one of those free games with the option to invest further into your character. I have yet to buy in, but I have pocketed a little cash. I guess I forgot to mention that the idea behind MafiaPayDay is that you earn cash for knocking off a Don, real cash. I've only killed one Don in the game so far, but a free game that pays cash is cool, even if the cash isn't easy to earn.

For new players, here are a few tips:

1. If you're going to pay dues, pay them before you do any jobs. It will save you points.

2. Do your daily jobs, petty crimes, family jobs and city bank robbing every day.

3. Click "Protection" on the left nav. Buy bodyguards when you can. You might be more anxious to wack another player, but check out the power of some of the weapons, and their costs. It isn't expensive to blow through 50k in protection with a big enough gun.

4. Beats and wacks are based on points in your wallet vs. the victims points plus their protection.

5. Lottery - look at the pot-odds. Play whenever you like, but look at the pot-odds to see when it's smart to play. Essentially, if the stated odds are 1 in 10 with a $10 buy-in, a ticket on any pot over $100 is a good buy. I use the "$" but it's all fictional points (except for the Don pot payout).

6. Grave robbing - use a shovel. If you wack someone, always grave rob with a shovel. If you don't wack someone, click through the obits and buy information on victim's points. If they're 100, grave dig with a shovel.

Fuck, I can't really write all there is to write. Go play MafiaPayDay and come back here and finish the how-to for me. I'm that damn lazy...

Welcome, Barack Obama

2009-01-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

This election and pending innauguration has seen more hype and fanfare than any in my lifetime. There's even a Barack Obama coin for Pete's sake (no, it's not legal tender... yet...). There's good reason for all the excitement. Don't get me wrong. It's just that to me, and I assume some others out there, the black/white thing is a non-issue.

I grew up in a time when a black man could become president, when a woman could become president. Heck, I grew up in a time when Oprah would have a shot at the presidency. So while I'm happy the country has finally gotten over the hump and elected a black man to the Whitehouse, I'm even more excited to see the back side of George W. Bush and what I hope will be the slow, grinding halt and eventual turn around of this country.

I suppose we all need something to be excited about. The grim reality is that the United States of America has an incredible uphill battle in front us. President Obama is inheriting a nation in a sad state of affairs with incredible inertia. We're all looking down the barrel of several more years of recession and conflict overseas, so by all mean, get excited and stay excited. This administration will be challenged like no other, and I hope he succeeds. Guess that's where I'm excited. At least now there's hope...

I Wear Your Shirt.com - a $66,000 Idea

2008-12-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

This guy had this idea to sell days wearing sponsored shirts for 2009. January 1st would be a buck, January 2nd $2.00 on through December 31st for a whopping $365.00. This idea is ridiculous, silly, even absurd, but it stands to net this guy a bit over $66,000.00!

For wearing shirts!

T-shirts, hoodies, sweatshirts, polos, whatever - shirts!

It's currently December of '08 and he's already sold out nearly half the year! There's only 1 day left for sale in the month of May and spots sold in June...

Not bad for a silly idea - IWearYourShirt.com...

Tell you what, I'll wear your gloves. For $66,000 I will wear your gloves exclusively (that means I won't wear anybody elses goloves), on cold days, for all of 2009. Put your logo on them things, embroider a slogan on those bad boys and I'll wear 'em. I'll even talk about your gloves right here on this blog. Heck, I'll post pictures of your gloves on my hands while I do Penis Heroic stuff.

Now go get your checkbook.

Connecticut Teacher - Spyware Trial

2008-12-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Connecticut Teacher - Spyware Trial - WTF!?

Strippers For Firefox!

2008-11-18T16:19:00.001-08:00

As endless campaigners for all that is right in the world, the fine folks at PenisHero.com have launched a new group at SpreadFirefox.com devoted to educating female strippers about the benefits of the Firefox web browser to their marketing efforts.

Strippers use social networking sites to build their fan bases. Sites like Myspace, Facebook and Xpeeps can offer a fountain of exposure for the savvy stripper, but most of these sites blow chunks in Internet Explorer. IE actually slows down the marketing efforts of hard working strippers. It is for this reason that we feel that strippers should give Firefox a try and join our campaign today (sorry, no guys)!

10 minutes in and they've already deleted our group. Sorry strippers, looks like the fine folks at Firefox would rather you stuck with IE...

Click to Enlarge

Anti Palin T-Shirt

2008-10-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Anti Palin T-Shirt

Red, white and blue and made in the USA - now that's patriotic!

T Mobile, You Suck

2008-10-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

T Mobile's collections practices are, in my opinion, apalling!

Last night I received an automated call from T Mobile that said essentially "If this is John Doe, press 1..." Knowing that their machine would keep dialing until someone answered I pressed 1. Apparently John owes T Mobile $900.00.

I am not John.

My first name isn't John, nor is my last name Doe, but let's say for the sake of this blog that my name was Seth Doe. Same last name, but totally different person.

When the agent got on the line I told her that my name was not John Doe, that no John Doe lived at the number and that I had never met a John Doe, nor did I have a T Mobile account.

She first tried to tell me that John must have lived at my number in the past. I said no, it's been my number for nearly 6 years.

She then tried to say John listed me as a contact. I said no, there is no John in my family.

She went down a few other paths trying to make it out to be an honest mistake that T Mobile collections had made, and they were going by information John had submitted with his account, but let me tell you what really happened.

My wife, let's call her Suzy Q Doe, signed up with T Mobile about six weeks prior to their automated call. Because she shared the same last name as some guy named John on T Mobile's collections list, T Mobile decided to add our home phone number to their queue for harrasment.

That's not an honest mistake, that's harrassing good customers for the sake of collecting from bad customers.

T Mobile, you suck!

Blogging for Dollars

2008-10-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

Ever wanted to get paid to blog? So why don't you?

Penis Hero is just for fun, and in no way commercially viable as a publication. It's just fun to rant and ramble every now and then, but I do make some cash as a bi-product. You can too.

Everybody knows about Google Adsense, especially on Blogger, but there are more options out there, and you don't have to flog some junk ebook either.

When I wanted to blog about sexy halloween costumes I found product links on Shareasale.com (an affiliate marketing network) for many of the costumes I was writing about. People out on the web looking for sexy Halloween costumes found my post and the pictures of sexy Halloween costumes and believe it or not, I sold some costumes and earned some dough for having fun writing a blog entry. That post was last year and I'm still getting traffic on it. Fingers crossed for 2009...

That thing on the right that you've been staring at, the thing with the chicks scrolling back and forth flashing a little skin. That thing gets clicked all the time and those clicks make me money, not a lot, but it adds up. Is it tacky? Maybe, but both men and women are clicking and joining to meet like minded adults, so I can't complain. Besides, the blog is called "Penis Hero", do I really care about tacky?

If like me, you don't mind hot chicks scrolling around your blog, and your traffic may be a good fit, join the program HERE and grab a banner to add to your blog. Or just copy the source code and post my banner, I don't mind...

This is a fun site, but some of my better sites actually generate inqueries from advertisers wanting to buy ad space, paid in advance. Again, it's not a fortune, but I'll happily pocket a few hundred bucks for posting a link or two.

Anyhoo, just a little bored checking commission reports, so decided to post something. Not much of a post, but there you go.

America's Next Top Fraud

2008-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

Tyra, take it back. We all know your fingers were crossed, as well as the fingers of every other judge on the panel for this cycle of America's Next Top Model, when you chose Whitney as this cycle's winner ("season" is so blasé).

Up until the last three episodes every judge save Tyra herself blasted Whitney for coming across as "fake", not only in photos, but in pretty much everything. They never had much positive to say at all. She never heard her name called first, only won one challenge and basically skated through the season on virtue of being a "normal" sized American girl (yeah, I'll go there - we're a big fat country).

Every guest judge tanked her performance. Her photos ranged consistently from bad to "catalog", her on-air work was forced and everything was chest out, ass out, same open-mouthed pout - for every single frame of every single shoot. The judges said all season that Whitney acted like she was in a pageant, and it was true.

Anya, on the other hand, could barely speak, but took great photos, improved throughout the competition until she was winning challenges regularly, was selected first several times and had the approval of many of the guest judges. In short, she beat the hell out of Whitney, as did several of the other girls who went home prior. Claire, Katarzyna, even Lauren who's shoulders were under constant threat of collapse, hell, even Dominique, the elderly drag queen, did better than Whitney...err...maybe those two tied.

So how did she win? Whitney was done, bottom two like four times, no redeeming qualities and should have gone home several episodes ago, so how did she win. Only answer I can offer is that this show was hijacked and scripted at the end.

In my mind, you started seeing the PR engine kicking into gear towards the end of the season. At some point they decided the plus-size girl was going to win come hell or high water, they just had to spin it the right way. All the credit to the judges in the final episode (of spin), but the acting was still pretty crap and pretty transparent.

Miss Jay, Whitney's catwalk was a train wreck and you damn well know it. You can't fucking call yourself a runway coach and applaud a train wreck. I don't care how much the producers pay you. Paulina, caustic was your thing this season, where was that in the final episode? Nigel, you know you'd rather shoot Anya any day. Tyra, you're putting on weight, so I guess I can understand your motives...

Y'all rolled an absolute gutter ball. If America's Next Top Model is to be a real competition, where winning actually means something, then the winner can't be scripted midway through the season.

Whitney, no offense, but several of the girls who were sent home did beat you.

What is the Sexiest Halloween Costume?

2007-09-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Click Here for the 2010 Update on Sexy Halloween Costumes

Some of you aren't looking for women's Halloween costumes at all. Some of you have been looking for : Penis Costumes

Continuing our Halloween theme from last post, today we're going to raise the age old question (he said "raise" *Beevis and Butthead laugh*); what is the sexiest Halloween costume?

Yes, today we ask your opinion, share a few of our own and mostly ogle some sexy Halloween costumes including, nurses uniforms, pirate wenches, sluts, witches and cat girls! We've also got your shopping needs covered, as all of these and more are available online, shipped right to your door!

If you're looking for, or just have an opinion on hot, sexy cheerleader outfits, anime cosplay fun, sexy school girl halloween outfits, naughty cops and robbers, etc, this is the blog post for you.

BTW, I expect comments dammit! Let's hear your opinions!

First off, we have Wicked Temptations and a couple all time favorites:

1. Hello Nurse! Nurse Violet here sports a very nice spin on the classic sexy nurse outfit. Please knock on my door. I have candy...

Why are nurses so popular? Think sponge bath. There the classic care provider meets temptress...or something.

You gotta' love Violet, but there are many other classics, and many oddball categories to choose from as well. It's not going to be easy to choose, the review process may be daunting, even exhausting and voting subject to recount after recount, but I think we're up to the task.

There's no way under the sun that we can do a sexy costume post without the ever popular sexy schoolgirl (was I numbering these?). Popular the world over, from the US to Europe to Japan and beyond, the school uniform, with its short skirt and high stockings shows just enough thigh to drive many to the point of distraction. Let's face it, it ain't Halloween without a schoolgirl or two (Or wow, even three!).

Also from Wicked, Mickie here is somewhat tame, but some of their school girl uniforms aren't even meant to leave the bedroom...

Never one to be out done, Pierre Silber, master of fetish footwear and ultra high heels to the extreme, steps in with our sexy maid outfit. They call her "Maid in the USA", and while she ain't French, by gum can she clean and polish!

Moon Costumes has a few categories of risque costumes, but nothing quite as extreme as Wicked or Pierre. Still, we do like Alice here. Anyone know where that looking glass went...? BA DUM DUM!

And she comes with her very own wWhite Rabbit. Not sure about those pills that make you larger though. BA DUM BUM! I kill me...

Flirty Lingerie has perhaps my favorites of the season, so I'll close out there. Yes, I know I skipped female police officer, cat girl, pirate, football player, etc, but cripes, there are thousands to choose from and I don't have all day! So, without further adou (sp?), I now present my votes (Yes, I get two votes! It's my blog and I'll cheat if I wan to!):

Please note, they do their larger images in a silly manner, so you actually have to click "allow popups" to view. How stupid is that?

First off is Strawberry Shortcake (uh huh, that Strawberry Shortcake!)! Cartoon characters are an awesome choice for Halloween, especially when they're a very sexed up version of what was essentially a tuffet headed (like what Little Miss Muffet sat on while eating her curds and whey) little thing that was as far from sexy as it gets. It's freakin' Strawberry Shortcake!!!

Second, is Raggedy Ann (I always thought it was Anne...?), who is pretty dang sexy in blue, especially with the frilly hat! Nope, not a bunny costume (even with the bum shake), but Raggedy Ann!

Now vote, damn you!

What is the sexiest Halloween costume?!?! And no, it's not flippin' Kevin Sorbo! Submit a comment below to vote.

Halloween is Coming

2007-08-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

Are you...?

What is it, August? Yes it is, don't look it up...

Still, what better holiday is there than Halloween? And I don't really like candy!

Halloween is the perfect blend of the weird, the wild and the debaucherous. Costumes kill inhibitions faster than a fifth of Cuervo. What are you going to be for Halloween? What is the perfect costume? Where do you get the cool decorations?

If the following prosthetic baseball in the eye is any indication, check out Fright Catalog.

ALL THEY CARRY IS HALLOWEEN STUFF! How cool is that!?!?

From the weird, to the creepy, to the truly frickin' cool, they've got it! They have pirate wench costumes, couples costumes, bunny outfits, Santa, super heros (don't think they have me yet), full sized attack alligators, special effects, life-sized bodies that thrash around inside hanging plastic bags, you name it!

If you want to throw the best Halloween party on the planet and seriously scare the crap out of your guests, grab your credit card and go shopping at Fright Catalog. It's like a nutter's paradise...

HA HA HA, I love it! Just looking for the severed penis prop - not seing it yet. Maybe it's a special order...

Ultimate Fighter Finale - Jens Pulver Vs. BJ Penn

2007-06-25T01:10:00.000-07:00

Ultimate Fighter Lightweight just finished up and like the savvy marketers they are, the UFC crew tossed in a fight between the coaches, Prodigy BJ Penn and Little Evil Jens Pulver. They used the air time to flog the fuck out of the upcoming UFC, but it was still a sweet show.

Last time they did one of these freebies I was in Manchester and almost went to see it. Would've been great to see Bisbing (sp?) fight before a home crowd.

Anyway, this is about the Ultimate Fighter finale, so pfft to my ramblings... The series finished out with Manny Gamburyan and Nate Diaz (who I swear is at least 6% retarded), both from Pulver's team, squaring off. Both are fucking tough fighters, so aside from the 6% comment, I won't take anything away from either. Seriously though, the real draw of the finale was Pulver vs. Penn, so who cares if Nate is really 8% retarded...?

Before I get to BJ and Jens though, I best cover the under cards.

The first fight featured a newcomer in Doug Evans taking on a widely touted future contender in Roger Huerta. After watching the fight, I'd like to see Doug Evans come back and knock Huerta the fuck out! He won the first round easy, came back from a Huerta surge and started to win the second as well, but got caught in a position foreign to him and lost by ref stoppage. You can tell this kid is going to make some waves in the UFC. He's a wrestler, something like 7 time Alaska state champion, but he shows a lot more than just the wrestling pedigree. I'll bet on him next fight he has. Plus Huerta did all that "...I'd like to thank God for my win. Oh Jesus. Hail Mary full of grace." crap that I hate from professional athletes. Plus, I like Alaska better than Texas. Sue me...

The Thales Leites/Floyd Sword was pretty impressive. Floyd’s ability from his back and to regain guard against a tough Brazillian jujitsu practioner was uncanny, but Thales had the skills in the end and took the prize.

Gray Maynard was back fighting Rob Emerson, both from this season's show, and it was a truly WTF sorta' fight. Gray was beating the hell out of Emerson, winning the first round easy. Rob was holding his side at the end of one. He looked hurt. The second was looking like more of the same, and after a brutal slam early in the round Emerson tapped out. Gray rolls over and looks spent. A little bit later the ref declares the fight a no contest - Gary Maynard had knocked himself out during the slam! Wtf!?!? He wasn’t out cold, but he was a wobbly mess for sure. It's a tough call, but staring down the barrell of a tap out, I would've given Gray the fight.

Maynard was obviously pissed while Emerson talked about a rematch (is he nuts?)...

Next up was Joe Lauzon taking on Brandon Melendez. After Joe's last fight on the show I wasn't all that impressed. He looked a step slow and wary. This fight was a different story. He took the fight to Melendez in impressive fashion and finished it in the second via triangle choke. Finally got to see why he's such a touted fighter. He was impressive, but seriously, Joe "J-Lo" Lauzon, are you kidding? Why do all these UFC guys insist on having such stupid nicknames...?

Next up came another WTF fight - Nate 6% Diaz vs. Manny Gamburyan. I like his brother Nick, but Nate seems like a bit of a dick. He's a good fucking fighter, but I don't like the kid. Going into the fight I was pulling for “Manville the anvil” to pour it on and overwhelm Nate. It looked like it might go that route. Manny took round #1 without too much trouble. His submission defense was impressive and he was beatin' on Nate and dropping him to the canvas at will.

For those who are thinking it was similar to his fight with Gray Maynard where he locked in a submission, you're wrong. Manny's ground skills and submission defense were fluid and easy. Gray was defending submission attempt after submission attempt while Manny had pretty much shut off Nate's submission game.

Then the second (seems like the whole evening was decided in the second) comes along and Manny dislocates his shoulder shooting on Diaz - in just the first few seconds of the round - and taps out! Wtf?!?! To Nate's credit he didn’t look too stoked on the victory. I think he knew he was getting whooped and didn't to win with a questionable victory. At least he got a new nickname out of the deal...

That fight went quick so they tossed in another, Cole Miller against Andy Wang (the guy BJ kicked off his team). Miller took the fight, but I'm not sure either were all that impressive. The high kick was good, and Cole won the thing, but Wang sucked a bit. Why didn't he take it to the ground? As long as Cole was, he'd be easy to pretzel up on the ground, especially for a ground guy like Wang...

Finally, the fight of the night was up - Jens Pulver and BJ Penn! Before I get into the fight, I have to apologize to Jens. Sorry, Jens. Before the season I thought he was a bit of a dick. Hat on sideways, sunglasses on the back of the neck, moron type stuff, but throughout the season I started to respect the guy quite a bit. In the end he strikes me as a decent, down to Earth sorta' guy. Still wanted BJ to whoop him though... ;)

Which he did...Easily... I can't break the fight down. I was in my cups a bit by the time the thing finally finished, but I can say it was a little how good BJ Penn really is. Jens was outclassed, which is tough to do with a fighter of his caliber. BJ submitted him quick and without too much trouble. The guy is a really fucking good fighter. He's sharp, always thinking and just flows.

It was a short fight, without a lot of the leather slinging fireworks some fans dig, but it had all you could hope for if you're a fan of the art side of mixed martial arts. "Prodigy" fits him.

Until next time...

Have I Taken a Blog of Chastity...?

2007-06-08T00:42:00.000-07:00

Where's the love?

If you just searched for the sound a penis makes, or something related to the word "butthole" or information on how to give a blowjob, you're sorta' in the wrong blog, but before you go, the least you could do is leave a comment.

Before you click that ad over on the right with the chicks scrolling past that allegedly live in your neighborhood and want to meet you for sex, add a comment! BTW, they really do want to meet you and it's all free (women are never free).

Look, take the Ocean's 13 post below. Sure, it's not the movie you were looking for when you clicked whatever you clicked, but Brad's in that and he's nailing Angelina.

How many of you want to bang Angelina Jolie and her big fat felatio lips? Anyone? Then the least you could do is leave some inane "brad pitt is a lucky fuck!" comment.

Before this goes too far, I'm not actually looking to cater to you lot, I just think if you're going to go traipsing through my pad looking for...well, quite frankly, weird sounding porn, I'd like you to at least tip your hat and say hello.

While I have your attention, anyone watch that crap Pirate Masters tv show? I ask you, how does that blonde chick expect that little bikini top to survive even past the first couple episodes? She's asking way too much of it...

Ocean's 13

2007-06-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's not even out yet, but a few lucky bastards were at Cannes or some such and saw Ocean's 13 before the rest of us. I say "lucky bastards" not because I'm itching to see the movie, but because they were at Cannes and I wasn't - bastards!

Anyway, George Clooney is one of the few actors I actually like.

Matt Damon is... Nah, too easy. I'll leave him for the rest of you.

Brad Pitt seems to have got the idea that he needs to overact just about everything, but the ladies like him.

Al Pacino gets far more credit than he's due. I mean I can't honestly say I've seen him play a character other than Al Pacino since Taxi Driver, and that was De Niro! Okay, maybe I'm being overly harsh, or really thinking of a fictional Pacino / De Niro lovechild. I'll let it go...

Who else we got? Elliott Gould is back and Shaobo Qin (that little Asian acrobat dude from Ocean's Eleven).

Why am I not talking more about the meat of the matter? Weren't you reading above?

I wasn't at Cannes, remember? I haven't seen it yet... You're somewhat thick, aren't you?

I've read elsewhere where others have called it a crap film, but I have to ask them; it's a sequel of a sequel of a remake, what the hell did you honestly expect?!?! Lowered expectations always improve the entertainment value of movies you know might suck. Always!

Penis Hero

[EDIT]Hey, barely been up a day, and hardly dugg at all, but looks like I've been quoted at the Ocean's 13 DVD website! Eat that IMDB! Those guys must be desperate for blogs on Ocean's 13...[/EDIT]

Rat-Dog Drops Paula Abdul

2007-05-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

Weekend update:

In an effort to avoid podgy little Tulip the chihuahua, a rat-dog of the small and squidgy variety, Paula Abdul took a nose dive, literally. She broke her nose and toe, as well as bruised her arm, hip, waist and chest.

God, imagine the mess if one of those things had popped!

Her rep was quoted by E! (no, I won't link to that crap) as saying:

"She tripped to avoid stepping on Tulip, one of her Chihuahuas. She is fine. This will have no effect whatsoever on her appearance on American Idol tomorrow and Wednesday for the finale."

Oh good. Idol wouldn't be Idol without Paula's unique brand of syrup. And after all, it's the finale! Who gives two shits? I'm not really sure, but someone must watch it...

So what is the moral of this story? Is there one, or am I just being a dick?

Mostly being a dick, truth be told, but it does illustrate the dangers of owning squashy little doglets (perhaps they'll be banned in the UK), that or Paula Abdul was really thrown down the stairs in a drunken fight with fellow has-been Whitney Houston. I'll leave the speculation up to you gossip hounds.

Maybe she was hopped up on pet meds...

Portland Gets #1 NBA Draft Pick!

2007-05-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Can you say wooooo hooooooooooo! Portland fans rejoice! The #1 NBA draft pick is a sweet sweet end to a pretty sour day.

With the number one pick, the Portland Trailblazers will likely take Greg Oden, a big man that brings a big impact to the game, a pick that would really round out the young, talented squad we have.

My prediction for a team with Roy, Aldridge, Randolph and the rest of the crew, plus Greg Oden: Playoffs baby!

Things just keep getting better up in PDX, so the rest of the Western Conferrence better be on their toes. We had a rough season in the middle this year and still scared a few teams. Next season is playoffs time.

#1 draft pick!

I just hope they don't trade the pick...

The World Through Google's Eyes

2007-05-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Google, in less than a decade has beaten the hell out of its competition in the search space. First it pushed Inktomi out of the Yahoo backfill deal and then slowly proceeded to castrate AltaVista, Excite, Infoseek (now Go), Yahoo (back stabbers) and MSN.

So how did they do it? Some would say higher quality search results, and back in the old days that may have been true. Larry and Sergey were some smart cookies, and developed an interesting new spin on ranking search. Off page criteria burst onto the scene and Google, with its simple, clean user interface quickly pushed the portals out of the sandbox, but what about today? Is Google still king of relevance?

No.

Let's look at the world through Google's eyes. The best way to do that is by looking at the searches visitors to this blog used to find it on Google. This should tell us what Google thinks this site is about, right? At the very least it could prove mildly amusing to see what people actually search for online...

Remember, these are the actual searches that sent recent visitors to Penis Hero.

Google searches (two AOL powered by Google searches included):

12 year old buttholes
imaraginglesbian
AmyBeloved
buttholes
buttholes
botnet
buttholes
buttholes
buttholes
Januvia
buttholes
januvia
buttholes
januvia glucose days wash out
buttholes

Okay, so I blogged about the botnet asshats who shut down my DNS provider and used that apparently hugely popular word in the blog title, and I've blogged about Januvia as well, but by these results it looks like Google is seeing the world through brown stained glasses. In Google's eyes this site is almost entirely about buttholes (probably even more so after this entry goes live).

I'm not sure these results are in keeping with Google's early search relevance dominance. Remember, they became king of a tribe of mega-tech, dot com giants in the search space, literally crushing 800 lb gorillas under their geeky boots because they returned relevant results without a lot of fluff. Today they're no longer all about search, and to be honest, the results have suffered. Five years ago the referring searches to this page would've been more relevant. Google is slipping and the door is open for the next pair of college kids to come along and slam it in the big G's face.

In fairness, Yahoo isn't doing much better, but at least they mostly caught on to a more relevant body part...

Yahoo searches:

fatso penis
penis sound insertion
suck press penis
big black buttholes

Call this a stupid, pointless exercise, say there's no SEO relevance whatsoever, call me a heretic for being critical of G, but I say that Yahoo just beat the pants off of Google for relevant results... Well, sorta'...

America's Next Top Eating Disorder

2007-05-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

What do you mean Jaslene?!?! So America's next top model is going to inspire young girls the world over to stick their fingers down their throats and blow chunks after every meal?

I'm sorry for being crass, but Jaslene is too skinny. She borders on unhealthy looking, and unless heroin chic is attractive, I just don't see it. She took a few nice pics, okay, some were great pics, but only in the face. The rest of her looked too angular and skeletal in pretty much every frame. Big elbows and bony knees with pelvic bone stretching the skin - eek!

Now Natasha Galkina, that girl was hot, ate the camera and got better and better as the "cycle" went on. So she was awkward in shooting from the hip in her commercial. It's not like she's a native speaker. Jaslene on the other hand sounds like a gangsta' hoochie. All in all, I think Natasha would have continued to get better and better, and would've turned out to be the first star to come of the show. Jasleen will be just another girl you don't hear from until next season.

Renee probably won the show as far as quality of work produced during the show goes, but she was a bitch and probably did shoot too old for a future with the likes of Seventeen magazine. She'll have a successful career though, as will Natasha. Jaslene will as well. She'll be an inspiration for young girls to develop eating disorders for years to come...

Tyra this season was her usual egomaniacal, let me be the next Oprah, oh my god, what is she wearing, every episode must mention "Tyra" in audio and video at least 30 times self we've grown accustomed to. I still like her SI days though... ;)

Miss Jay, please learn to dress yourself. The ruffled collar did nothing for you.

The rest of the cast did pretty well for themselves. Glad they didn't have that one dark haired ex-model bitch on again. What's her butt? Or at the very least, I'm glad I missed the episode if she was. Her lips look like she's been stung by a bee...

Okay, that's my America's Next Top Model rant for the season. Don't even get me started on Yauman not winning Survivor...