Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Rat-Dog Drops Paula Abdul

Weekend update:

In an effort to avoid podgy little Tulip the chihuahua, a rat-dog of the small and squidgy variety, Paula Abdul took a nose dive, literally. She broke her nose and toe, as well as bruised her arm, hip, waist and chest.

God, imagine the mess if one of those things had popped!

Her rep was quoted by E! (no, I won't link to that crap) as saying:

"She tripped to avoid stepping on Tulip, one of her Chihuahuas. She is fine. This will have no effect whatsoever on her appearance on American Idol tomorrow and Wednesday for the finale."

Oh good. Idol wouldn't be Idol without Paula's unique brand of syrup. And after all, it's the finale! Who gives two shits? I'm not really sure, but someone must watch it...

So what is the moral of this story? Is there one, or am I just being a dick?

Mostly being a dick, truth be told, but it does illustrate the dangers of owning squashy little doglets (perhaps they'll be banned in the UK), that or Paula Abdul was really thrown down the stairs in a drunken fight with fellow has-been Whitney Houston. I'll leave the speculation up to you gossip hounds.

Maybe she was hopped up on pet meds...


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Portland Gets #1 NBA Draft Pick!

Can you say wooooo hooooooooooo! Portland fans rejoice! The #1 NBA draft pick is a sweet sweet end to a pretty sour day.

With the number one pick, the Portland Trailblazers will likely take Greg Oden, a big man that brings a big impact to the game, a pick that would really round out the young, talented squad we have.

My prediction for a team with Roy, Aldridge, Randolph and the rest of the crew, plus Greg Oden: Playoffs baby!

Things just keep getting better up in PDX, so the rest of the Western Conferrence better be on their toes. We had a rough season in the middle this year and still scared a few teams. Next season is playoffs time.

#1 draft pick!

I just hope they don't trade the pick...


Thursday, May 17, 2007

The World Through Google's Eyes

Google, in less than a decade has beaten the hell out of its competition in the search space. First it pushed Inktomi out of the Yahoo backfill deal and then slowly proceeded to castrate AltaVista, Excite, Infoseek (now Go), Yahoo (back stabbers) and MSN.

So how did they do it? Some would say higher quality search results, and back in the old days that may have been true. Larry and Sergey were some smart cookies, and developed an interesting new spin on ranking search. Off page criteria burst onto the scene and Google, with its simple, clean user interface quickly pushed the portals out of the sandbox, but what about today? Is Google still king of relevance?


Let's look at the world through Google's eyes. The best way to do that is by looking at the searches visitors to this blog used to find it on Google. This should tell us what Google thinks this site is about, right? At the very least it could prove mildly amusing to see what people actually search for online...

Remember, these are the actual searches that sent recent visitors to Penis Hero.

Google searches (two AOL powered by Google searches included):

12 year old buttholes
januvia glucose days wash out

Okay, so I blogged about the botnet asshats who shut down my DNS provider and used that apparently hugely popular word in the blog title, and I've blogged about Januvia as well, but by these results it looks like Google is seeing the world through brown stained glasses. In Google's eyes this site is almost entirely about buttholes (probably even more so after this entry goes live).

I'm not sure these results are in keeping with Google's early search relevance dominance. Remember, they became king of a tribe of mega-tech, dot com giants in the search space, literally crushing 800 lb gorillas under their geeky boots because they returned relevant results without a lot of fluff. Today they're no longer all about search, and to be honest, the results have suffered. Five years ago the referring searches to this page would've been more relevant. Google is slipping and the door is open for the next pair of college kids to come along and slam it in the big G's face.

In fairness, Yahoo isn't doing much better, but at least they mostly caught on to a more relevant body part...

Yahoo searches:

fatso penis
penis sound insertion
suck press penis
big black buttholes

Call this a stupid, pointless exercise, say there's no SEO relevance whatsoever, call me a heretic for being critical of G, but I say that Yahoo just beat the pants off of Google for relevant results... Well, sorta'...


America's Next Top Eating Disorder

What do you mean Jaslene?!?! So America's next top model is going to inspire young girls the world over to stick their fingers down their throats and blow chunks after every meal?

I'm sorry for being crass, but Jaslene is too skinny. She borders on unhealthy looking, and unless heroin chic is attractive, I just don't see it. She took a few nice pics, okay, some were great pics, but only in the face. The rest of her looked too angular and skeletal in pretty much every frame. Big elbows and bony knees with pelvic bone stretching the skin - eek!

Now Natasha Galkina, that girl was hot, ate the camera and got better and better as the "cycle" went on. So she was awkward in shooting from the hip in her commercial. It's not like she's a native speaker. Jaslene on the other hand sounds like a gangsta' hoochie. All in all, I think Natasha would have continued to get better and better, and would've turned out to be the first star to come of the show. Jasleen will be just another girl you don't hear from until next season.

Renee probably won the show as far as quality of work produced during the show goes, but she was a bitch and probably did shoot too old for a future with the likes of Seventeen magazine. She'll have a successful career though, as will Natasha. Jaslene will as well. She'll be an inspiration for young girls to develop eating disorders for years to come...

Tyra this season was her usual egomaniacal, let me be the next Oprah, oh my god, what is she wearing, every episode must mention "Tyra" in audio and video at least 30 times self we've grown accustomed to. I still like her SI days though... ;)

Miss Jay, please learn to dress yourself. The ruffled collar did nothing for you.

The rest of the cast did pretty well for themselves. Glad they didn't have that one dark haired ex-model bitch on again. What's her butt? Or at the very least, I'm glad I missed the episode if she was. Her lips look like she's been stung by a bee...

Okay, that's my America's Next Top Model rant for the season. Don't even get me started on Yauman not winning Survivor...